A few months ago Scott entered my office (during working hours! The impudence) and told me with no small amount of concern that, the night before, I had been choking to death in my sleep. That is, I was snoring, which I have been known to do (and which he claims is “cute” and “no really it’s fine” and “maybe it’s loud sometimes”) and then sort of gurgling and then not breathing at all for an alarming few seconds.
This wasn’t the first time he told me he heard this; it was the third, I think? But it was the first time I truly heard him. “Well, shit,” I said. And signed up for a sleep study. I did it at home, because if I went to a sleep center there would be no way I would ever sleep, with those pervs watching me. (They’re all pervs, right? I assume that’s how they get their kicks.)
The results showed that I have obstructive sleep apnea, that I was having around 40 events per hour, and that my oxygen was dipping alarmingly low at times, with about 85% of my sleep characterized as “light.” The good news, the doctor claimed, was that a CPAP machine was going to change my life. So much good sleep coming my way! No more morning headaches and afternoon grogginess! All I have to do was strap on a mask that will blast air at my face and it’s off to Dreamland I will go.
So it’s been a couple of months with the thing, I’ve tried to give it a fair shot, I’m not giving up, but boy oh boy do I hate it.
First I had the kind that just shoots air into your nose. I thought it would be better without my mouth being covered, but what I didn’t realize is that because air is being shot (with force!) up your nose, you can’t actually open your mouth; if you do all the air blows right out via your mouth-hole and it’s quite noisy and feels strange. And I really hated having air blown directly up my nose; maybe that’s just a me thing. The very nice sales rep from the CPAP supplier sent me a face mask (see above), which was actually a slight improvement, but I still hate it SO MUCH? The air pressure increases gradually throughout the night, so when I first put it on it’s not so bad, but if I wake up at 3am (which I always do) it feels like I’ve stuck my face into a wind tunnel. And then I tear the thing off my head, and promise I’ll try again the next night. So I haven’t reaped a single reward, I have this godforsaken device I have to clean daily/weekly/monthly with great care, lest bacteria invade my head-holes, and … and that’s it, I despise it. The End.
What else?
I joined a local choir, because Irene told me to. Irene is one of my closest friends from college, we were in an a cappella group together, and when she says to do something, you just do it. It’s always been that way. She was visiting from London over Christmas, and I was like, “I was thinking of joining the choir, but I’m kind of lazy,” and she put her tea down and with barely restrained fury said, “Oh no, you must join the choir. You must!” And I was like, “My god you’re right! I simply must!”
I forgot how challenging choral singing can be. You’re telling me I gotta sing the right notes at the right tempo? And this song’s in German? And then be like “Oh shit this part’s pianissimo but then it’s fortissimo and I was still whisper-singing like a FOOL”? Anyway, it’s delightful. It’s a real mix of age ranges, and I’ve made a couple of pals who seem happy to see me. As for the quality, the women are all quite capable and the men are … well. They’re confident, I’ll give them that. Must be nice.
And then my brain went kablooey
The other day I texted a friend “Let me know how your call goes,” and then I thought: “‘goes’? That can’t be right.” which led to this text exchange with Scott:
I’m going to start using “go” as a unit of distance. I went for a walk, it was 36 goes. Join me!
In conclusion
Abby is mad that I haven’t mentioned her even once in this whole newsletter. Maybe she should be more entertaining!? Think about me for a change, Abby. Do better.
How many wents are in a go? This must be British thing. Ten gallops in a behoove, what what.
Thank you for that CPAP review! I was wondering about that just yesterday!
I love your friend Irene, wish I had a friend like her! 😃