Writers! Get a dog, already!

If you want to be a writer, you need a pet. These are the rules (that I made up, right now). I mean, sure, you could write without a pet around, but I hope to convince you that it’s far more pleasant to write with a furry companion. And when I say “pet,” I mean “dog or cat.” A turtle is not going to pack the same punch, pal-wise. A bird is not cuddle-able, I’m sorry. And if you insist your pet rat is just as special as any dog or cat, I really don’t know what to say to you. Look, I’m not going to judge. Patricia Highsmith was obsessed with snails, so I guess you can make just about anything work.

For the purposes of this newsletter, I’m going to assume you’re not the ghost of noted super-freak Patricia Highsmith and that you’re considering a dog and/or cat. Good for you! Here’s why that’s smart:

Writing is lonely business. You’ll need company, and if you have a friend over you’re not going to write. You’re going to want to talk to them. Also your friends are busy. Leave your friends alone. Coffee shops are a good alternative, but that can start to get pricey and are we really hanging out in coffee shops these days, anyway? What with COVID and all? Even if you do go to a coffee shop — a valid option, for sure — you know who’ll be there to greet you once you come home? Who will be so thrilled to see you they can’t even stand it? Your dog. (A cat might also be pleased, but they’re unlikely to lose their ever-loving minds upon your return.) This reception is the confidence booster you will inevitably require.

Besides, coffee shops aren’t open 24/7. You’re probably writing around the outskirts of your days, before your family is up or long after work is over. Your pet will keep you company whether you’re writing late at night or pre-dawn. They do not care. They sleep through 98% of their days, so they’re happy to sleep next to you while you’re hard at work, wondering what you’ve done with your life.

Most of writing involves sitting and thinking, aka staring into space. Who understands sitting and staring into space more than an animal? That’s their favorite thing! Even when you’re working, it looks to them like you’re sitting and staring into space, maybe moving your fingers around weirdly and tippy-tapping for no apparent reason! You goof! They love you so much.

Here’s where dogs win out over cats: you’ll need to take them on walks. Walking is important for writing. Getting outside is essential for your mental health. I guess you could walk your cat, but be aware that people will want to talk to you about it. You will become an object of fascination. This can be a plus or a minus, depending on how you’re wired.

You’ll need to take naps, obviously; writing is exhausting. No one is better at napping than a pet. “Finally,” they’ll think, as you curl up next to them. “Finally, you understand.” I also find that napping with a pet relieves the vague guilt I feel over napping at all. “I’m giving my dog some much-needed affection,” I think. “I am not merely sleeping the afternoon away, like a depressive.”

Finally, your pets will always believe you’re the absolute best. This is important, because if you’re a writer, you’re inevitably going to get rejected. This can lead one to feel that one is not the best — that one is, in effect, the worst. Nothing can help cure you of that feeling better than your pet making moon-eyes at you. Face it: They think you’re hot stuff.

Pets! Get one or three!

IN OTHER NEWS

The world continues to break our hearts. Noted pal Deanna has written something important about the Buffalo terrorist shooting: When a mass murderer comes from you:

I was just up visiting there at the end of March, and the countryside between my parents’ house and the Finger Lakes, for example, is littered with all kind of “FUCK BIDEN” and other MAGA signs and bumper stickers. At the bar in our little hamlet, a woman walked in with a t-shirt that said, “EVEN MY DOG HATES NANCY PELOSI.” These seem like straight-up electoral politics messages, but are actually dog whistles for white supremacist patriarchy. In Delaware County next door, where my dad grew up, a group has been fighting for years to ban sales of Confederate flags and other racist merchandise at the county fair. Men attempt to recruit my cousins to attend white supremacist biker gatherings. Binghamton was the NYS home of the Ku Klux Klan in the 1920s, after they got run out of New York City. If you’re one of those liberal types who likes to blame the South for American racism, come, let me show you around.

Once you’ve read that, go here: This is a great piece about songwriting that’s true for writers everywhere.

Trying to be original is exhausting, and it is impossible. Give up the pursuit altogether. There’s no such thing as original, everything is derivative. Everything is a remix. The artists who are held up as ‘original’ are simply much better at remixing than everybody else. They make familiar remixes with elements people don’t quite expect, or they make unfamiliar mixes with familiar elements.

All great artists start out producing derivative work. There’s no other way to learn! You learned walking and talking through imitation, and you’ll learn to write by doing the same. ‘Originality’ or ‘personal style’ are things that emerge not from you trying to be creative or original, but from you trying to make things as well as you possibly can.