The house search continues

Quit it with the Yankee Candles!®

And our spirits remain high, despite reality. We already made an offer on a place but another buyer swooped in with a higher offer. The temerity! I guess money is important to buyers? Whatever. 

Here are the types of houses we consistently encounter in our price range: 

The Trickster: This one lures you in with its photos — so sunny, so spacious! Why is the price so low?—but you get there and it’s nestled against a gas station.Or the highway.  Or, as soon as you open the front door, the mildew smell hits you like a wet sock. No number of French Vanilla Yankee Candles® can hide the fact that it’s situated squarely in a flood zone. 

The “It’s the 1970s!”: “Single owner,” the description reads, and oh, you can tell. The furniture is upholstered in corduroy, which you can and must overlook; the matted beige carpeting smells like one too many Hungry-Man dinners. The walls seem to be made of plywood, and the insulation is … are those Quaaludes? Fun! 

The Fixer-Upper: “Bring your imagination and a little elbow grease,” the listing insists. And despite the photos — which feature a toilet in a bathtub and an oversized stuffed animal, for some reason, in the filthy living room — you visit it, promptly tumble through the rotting floorboards, and perish.

Actual house photo (how could I make this up?). “I won this at the fair and then it wrecked my house!” 

The IT’S TOO SMALL SCOTT: “This place is cute,” he says, and you know what you’re in for before he’s even sent you the link. Stop showing me tiny bungalows! And quit it with the one-bathroom homes! We’re not living with one bathroom! And we’re not going to build an addition with an extra bathroom! We’re not those people! Come on! 

The One That Will Get Away: Perfectly sized, acceptable condition, nice details, there already 17 offers on it by the time you’ve stepped foot in the door.

And of course, the This One’s Definitely Haunted: “Charming home located in historic district,” the description reads. Read: they found bodies underneath. I mean, old bodies! But still: bodies. You enter and the inside is frigid despite it being a warm, sunny day. The vibes are uneasy. Everyone is looking at you like you’re crazy when you point this out, as if “vibes” are not real! You secretly want to live there.