Honesty is a new thing I am trying!

It's a high like no other.

This week, a recruiter contacted me about a job that I would have once called—well, I won’t say dream job, because this Tik Tok (and possibly James Baldwin, originally?) makes an excellent point.

@poochofnycMonday is coming 😵‍💫. #idonotdreamoflabor #dogsoftiktok #poodle #fyp #boostofhope

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Instead, I’ll say it was what I would have deemed a very good job. A job I would have wanted. A good fit for me, I would have said. 

But the truth is that it wasn’t a good fit for me, because I had that exact job before, and when I had it, I felt myself squeezing into unnatural shapes to get through the day. Forcing myself to focus when my attention wandered; bracing myself Sunday nights and trying to unclench my body by Friday evening.  There were parts of the job I enjoyed, for sure, but more and more, I had to contort myself to make my brain do the tasks that had to get done. The job this recruiter was contacting me about is a job I CAN do, under duress. It is not a job I WANT to do — not anymore. 

(I can feel the privilege dripping off me — or is that coffee sweats? I’ve had a lot— as I write this. I know how lucky I am to be able to turn away from a potential job.) 

I decided to talk to the recruiter anyway. Maybe this job would be a little different; who knows? But no matter what, I told myself, I would be honest with her. 

This is hard for me. It’s not that I’m some notorious liar, but I am a compulsive people-pleaser, and when it comes to someone expressing professional interest, I will jump through all kinds of hoops to prove I deserve their attention. I will jump and leap, hoop after hoop, to prove I’m worthy of whatever position that’s on offer. And then what? I forget to do the important work of deciding if I even want it in the first place. And If I get the job, and I don’t want it after all, whoops. I end up quitting out of exhaustion and frustration because it wasn’t really for me.

Not this time! This time I was going to be straightforward. So when the recruiter called and asked me for my experience, I  … immediately went into my usual song and dance. Uh-oh! I could feel my throat constricting as I spewed the usual bullshit about how much I had accomplished at Previous Job X and Y doing the exact thing I don’t want to do anymore! What am I doing, I thought, as the room grew dark! 

The end. 

No, but seriously: I stopped myself. I took a deep breath. I told the recruiter, “The truth is, I’m very good at editing and working with writers, but I don’t have much aptitude when it comes to analytics. And I have a feeling that’s a big part of this job.” (Note: my “feeling” came from the job description. I’m incredibly intuitive!) 

The recruiter was kind. She appreciated my honesty, she said. She immediately hung up. And it felt great. 

Note: If she had said, “Oh, no one likes it, that’s okay, it’s just a necessary evil,” I might have continued the conversation. But no, she wanted someone who’s passionate about numbers. Which is fair! And I am not that person. Which is okay! 

Is this mind-blowing to other people, or just me? That not only can I be myself, it’s my responsibility to? I mean, granted, I’m able to practice this form of tentative honesty or whatever because I have freelance work and I’m not in dire need of a salary. But even if I were unemployed and actively seeking a full-time job, I think I would be trying out this newfound skill. Because I want to be myself. Because it feels good. It feels right. And I want this for us all.